The Journey with Teddy

  This will be my final blog entry. The image above is a word cloud generated from a compilation of all my morning praise reflections as a Jesuit candidate in Arvisu House. I was blindly taking on this word cloud project, genuinely curious about what my reflections would reveal about the entire experience. It makes me happy that in the end, data reveals that God is at the center of it after all.  Make no mistake: it still makes me sad that I was rejected  not accepted to become a Jesuit novice, but I am fully convinced that God had His hand in that fateful decision. In his subtle way, I would like to think that He prepared me for it -- making me realize, especially in prayer during my final days there (Arvisu House) that He had always been with me, and nothing is bound to change that.  Nevertheless, as I continue to anticipate what He has in store for me, I continue to be disoriented, not knowing what to do with my life in the midst of this awful pandemic. This Covid...

MORNING PRAISE | May 22, 2020 | Jesus' Departure | John 16:20-23 PERSONAL REFLECTION One December evening in 2005, our television’s reception of ABS-CBN was unexpectedly, almost miraculously clear, and this allowed me to watch JesCom’s tv movie called “ Maging Akin Muli .” I never fully grasped back then how this serendipitous moment would turn out to be a decisive moment in my life: for it will apparently mark the beginning of my vocation discernment journey, which, as it turns out, will be one crazy adventure spanning almost 15 long years. Nine days from now, just like each one of you, I will be handed a letter which contains a confirmation of how that 15 years of discernment will come to an end. It’s amazing how much is at stake in that one decisive morning – the coming to an end of a 15-year journey; the conclusion of ten months of adventure in this sacred house that I have learned to call “home.” Much like most of you, I have no idea how that moment will turn...

MORNING PRAISE | May 13, 2020 | The Vine and the Branches | John 15:1-8 PERSONAL REFLECTION There’s a pervasive sense of simplicity and uncomplicatedness in today’s gospel. It can be seen in how Jesus tells his disciples that pruning is necessary for one to bear fruit. It then jumps right at you when Jesus gives the disciples two options: remain in Him so that they may bear fruit; or not remain in Him and face the certainty of withering and eventual burning into a fire. Plain. Simple. Uncomplicated. These days, as I continue to count the remaining days that lead to announcement day, I cannot deny that I crave that same level of plainness and simplicity; to achieve that same sense of clarity and focus in all my life’s affairs. I desire that uncomplicatedness in life; one that is free from the distractions of the many, many things that run through my head on a daily basis. Jesus makes it all sound so simple: choose one and be rewarded; choose the other and suffer. ...

MORNING PRAISE | May 04, 2020 |  The Good Shepherd |  J ohn 10:11-18 PERSONAL REFLECTION If my  Arvisu  journey were a Korean drama following a standard season of 16 episodes,  I would have already been starting episode 1 6  by now: that  calm and quiet stretch  where the climax had been  completed , and the open ends of the story are already being  tied up , in preparation for the  inevitable  finale.  N ew story arcs or plot twists  no longer surface ;  and  no new characters  are  being introduced;  instead, conflicts big and small are being resolved and closed, marking with it the signal for characters to leave the storyline one-by-one.  These days, I often find myself looking back at the discernment  drama  that I have lived for the past 289 days: the struggles, the pains, the joys.  I thought that being alive for 38 years prepares you fully for thi...

MORNING PRAISE | April 24, 2020 The Multiplication of Loaves | John 6:1-15 PERSONAL REFLECTION When I was a young boy, I was once taught that Jesus did not literally perform a miracle by multiplying the loaves and the fishes; instead, when the people saw the young boy and his humble offering, they were moved by his compassion and felt ashamed, and so they started to take out the food that they had with them all along; sharing what they had to those who had little or none. I think about it now, but it doesn’t seem to matter how all those people had been fed. Is it even worth the trouble to obsess over processes, procedures and methodologies when at the end of the day, everything is shaped by a single over-arching reason? Put to words in a more general and practical sense, you can have many “how”s, but would any of that still matter when all of them are driven by a single “why”? Interestingly, it was a barrage of “how” questions that had been a source of great desolat...

MORNING PRAISE | April 15, 2020 The Appearance on the Road to Emmaus | Luke 24:13-35 PERSONAL REFLECTION I remembered Fr. John Hagileiram on the evening of Maundy Thursday, intoxicated as I was with the negativity that I had been brewing for myself over the days leading to the Triduum. The memories of Fr. John proved to be a very potent antidote against the toxic thoughts and ideas I was willfully poisoning myself with. I remembered Fr. John for the way he always intently listened to me with a non-judgmental look on his face as I shared to him the many scandalous wrong turns I have made over the course of my life. I remembered how he would often smile and close his eyes as he nodded his head while I shared with him the fruits of my prayer and my experiences as a candidate here in Arvisu. I remembered Fr. John and the words he told me on my last SD session with him last January, during his birthday. Seeing how distressed I was and how I rambled to articulate the fea...

MORNING PRAISE | April 05, 2020 The Anointing at Bethany John12:1-11 PERSONAL REFLECTION How does one measure self-worth in the time of Covid-19? In the midst of helplessness and isolation, where does one even begin to find his value to his family, his community, and the world? As I go through my quarantine-altered life here in Arvisu, my social media feed is bombarded with stories that direct my attention to what’s happening outside 134 B. Gonzales Street. My digital screens open my eyes to stories of other people’s pain and suffering: the dire situation that our medical front liners are being made to confront; the plea of the marginalized for food to quell their hunger; the grieving of families who lost someone they love to the virus, and how their final moments are laced with loneliness – dying alone in the company of strangers, deprived of the dignity of final goodbyes and I love you’s. Yet almost in the same breath, I am also made aware of how oblivious s...

MORNING PRAISE March 27, 2020 Friday of the Fourth Week in Lent The Feast of the Tabernacles |  John 7:1-2,10,25-30 PERSONAL REFLECTION           Sometimes I wonder if Jesus had someone who would check on Him from time to time – someone who knew Him enough to sense if something was wrong with Him; if there is something more to His silence; and recognize even the subtlest tinge of pain behind His smile. I would wonder if this person knew Jesus well enough to detect if He was still okay in the midst of His tiring ministry. I would wonder if this person would readily know when to offer Jesus a pat on the back, and when instead to offer a shoulder for Jesus to rest His head upon when things got particularly rough and draining. I wonder because I imagine that by human standards, Jesus’ life was one that was tiring, frustrating, stressful, and anxiety-inducing. I can only imagine how it must have felt like to devote yourself t...

MORNING PRAISE March 18, 2020 Wednesday of the Third Week in Lent Memorial of St. Cyril of Jerusalem Advantages of Fidelity | Deuteronomy 4:1, 5-9 PERSONAL REFLECTION Feelings of being left out; feelings of stagnation; feelings of uncertainty. Those were the dominant feelings I had as of my last morning praise. I was at such a low point in my discernment journey (at least for the second semester), and it felt like I couldn’t possibly go any lower than that. As the days unfolded soon after, I was unfortunately proven wrong. Memories of a traumatic experience from my teenage years came back to haunt me, after having been forgotten for two decades. With the emergence of Covid-19 cases, the stock market crashed, and I lost (and continue to lose) a painful sum of money from my pension fund investment. Then, the first few Covid-19 cases were announced in my city, which reminded me that our household consists of two senior citizens (my parents) and a minor (my niece) who had her ...

Many years ago, I read a Paulo Coelho book entitled “ By the River Piedra, I Sat Down and Wept. ” At the moment, I don’t recall much of the details of the book except for two things: first, it tells the story of a young woman named Pilar and her childhood friend: a young, charismatic, and handsome man who, in the story, travels with Pilar as she embarks on a journey of self-discovery as they cross over the Spanish border into France. The plot thickens: there is a lot of passionate, romantic chemistry between Pilar and her friend. In fact, he is in love with Pilar and she likewise loves him; but then the thing is, he’s a seminarian. The second detail, and perhaps the more important one: the title of the book alludes to Psalm 137, which begins with the verse: “ By the rivers of Babylon, there we sat weeping when we remembered Zion. ”              Psalm 137 expresses the yearning of the Jewish people during the Babylonian exile: ho...

MORNING PRAISE March 9, 2020 Monday of the Second Week in Lent Arrival at Sinai |  Exodus 19:3-8 PERSONAL REFLECTION “ Tumatakbo ang oras naiiwan na ako ng panahon. Di na nagbago bawat araw, pare-pareho parang kahapon. Tumatakbo ang oras (Time is running and I am being left out. The days are not changing, they’re all the same, just like yesterday. Time is running.)…” Those words are from the song “ Tumatakbo ” (Running) from Filipino pop-rock band Mojofly. Those words pretty much sum up the dominant feeling I have been having these past few weeks: feelings of being left out; feelings of stagnation; feelings of uncertainty. My MBA classmates have completed their coursework and are now gearing up for their comprehensive exams. At work, some of my closest friends have celebrated very important milestones: a promotion that took 9 long years to happen, a 15 th year service anniversary, and a friend that I have trained intensively while she was a new hire has decid...

MORNING PRAISE February 28, 2020 Friday after Ash Wednesday The Song of Ruth Ruth 1: 8, 16-18 PERSONAL REFLECTION          “You okay?” A few days ago, somebody asked me that question: “You okay?” The only response I can come up with was an awkward, bad joke: a futile attempt at humor to dispel the worry and concern that this good guy seemingly had. It was all I can come up with at that moment, because in my heart, I knew that I was not okay. Before Arvisu, I have always shielded myself from valuing people too much. I kept my guard at all times and I’ve protected myself from feeling too much for people because I did not want to feel vulnerable. Who wants to be vulnerable, anyway? And so I rarely opened up, even to my closest friends – and this helped me live in a fantasy world where I am emotionally self-sufficient and therefore I did not have any need to make any deep emotional connection with anyone. Arvisu chan...

MORNING PRAISE |  February 19, 2020 Wednesday of the 6th Week in Ordinary Time Did you know that as of today, there are only 94 days left in our Arvisu journey? Something beautiful is about to meet its inevitable end, and with that end coming, I couldn’t help but be anxious. But what makes me even more anxious is that my anxiety about May 23 seems to be anchored not on the results of my application to the novitiate, rather on the impending end of my candidacy days here in Arvisu. Secretly I would envy those who would feel that something that they said, not said, done, or not done might have jeopardized their acceptance to the novitiate. Their worries seem to be more normal and legitimate, and that just makes me feel like I’m such a weird person.     While writing my autobiography, however, things started to make sense.   Last Friday (Valentine’s Day), while I was in LST trying to key in a page or two for my autobiography, it occurred to ...

On the Feast of the Presentation of the Lord, we take time to remember how God sent us His son to give light to the world. May we always be aware of His presence in our lives, in the midst of these troubling times. Amen. The earthquake in Turkey. The Corona Virus in China The Taal Volcano eruption in the Philippines.  The peace situation in Iran and the Middle East. The bushfires in Australia.  Song: Simeon's Canticle (Hangad) Clips: Mary of Nazareth