The Final Entry

 

This will be my final blog entry. The image above is a word cloud generated from a compilation of all my morning praise reflections as a Jesuit candidate in Arvisu House. I was blindly taking on this word cloud project, genuinely curious about what my reflections would reveal about the entire experience. It makes me happy that in the end, data reveals that God is at the center of it after all. 

Make no mistake: it still makes me sad that I was rejected not accepted to become a Jesuit novice, but I am fully convinced that God had His hand in that fateful decision. In his subtle way, I would like to think that He prepared me for it -- making me realize, especially in prayer during my final days there (Arvisu House) that He had always been with me, and nothing is bound to change that. 

Nevertheless, as I continue to anticipate what He has in store for me, I continue to be disoriented, not knowing what to do with my life in the midst of this awful pandemic. This Covid-19 plague is really making it difficult for me to pick myself up, lick my wounds, dust myself off, and find my way again. To date, "normal" -- whether the new one or the old one, remains an elusive construct that I cannot fully grasp. It's terrifying, confusing, and heartbreaking to not know "normal" anymore. 

And yet, I continue to dream. Especially these past few days, I've been spending a lot of time conjuring images of the future in my head, jotting down ideas and a-ha moments in a nifty digital notebook; watching clip after clip of videos giving me a glimpse of what those desires could look like in real life and what they would entail. They give me something to hope for; they keep me occupied in the present, and they have been keeping me alive despite the hurtful life-altering ordeal that I had to endure a few months back. 

What happens next? I do not know for sure, but I might create a new digital avenue for myself soon: perhaps another anonymous blog to shelter the offsprings of my passion and creative pursuits - writing, photography; hopefully even filmmaking. I also need to start making money again. There are bills to pay, and pursuing one's passion and getting better at it comes with a tag price (training, gears, etc.). I also need to nurture my relationships, because surely these past few months have seen me disengage from people who matter -- out of pride, out of shame, out of guilt, out of sadness. But perhaps most important of all, I need to truly love myself and allow myself to heal.

There is a quote I came across recently, supposedly from Nelson Mandela. It goes, "May your choices reflect your hopes, not your fears." Perhaps this is the grace I need to beg for at this point -- that surrounded as I am with challenging times and barricaded opportunities, I may make choices and decisions that will ultimately lead to a stronger grasp of God's never-ending grace. 

Here's wishing everyone faith, hope, and love in the midst of Covid-19. 

Amen.