God's Indomitable Love in Christ



MORNING PRAISE | February 19, 2020
Wednesday of the 6th Week in Ordinary Time

Did you know that as of today, there are only 94 days left in our Arvisu journey? Something beautiful is about to meet its inevitable end, and with that end coming, I couldn’t help but be anxious.

But what makes me even more anxious is that my anxiety about May 23 seems to be anchored not on the results of my application to the novitiate, rather on the impending end of my candidacy days here in Arvisu. Secretly I would envy those who would feel that something that they said, not said, done, or not done might have jeopardized their acceptance to the novitiate. Their worries seem to be more normal and legitimate, and that just makes me feel like I’m such a weird person.   

While writing my autobiography, however, things started to make sense.  

Last Friday (Valentine’s Day), while I was in LST trying to key in a page or two for my autobiography, it occurred to me that it was around this time of the year thirteen years ago that I reached the decision to forego my admission to Arvisu House. It was February 15, 2007 when I communicated to Fr. Xave Olin (who was then a scholastic) that I have decided not to proceed, on account of financial and emotional issues in the family. By February 21, I wrote him an email where I shared with him the aftermath of my decision. Allow me to share with you a translated, shortened portion of that email:

“It seems that I have lost my will to do anything. My decision to defer had broken my heart, and shattered my spirit. God knows how much I want to respond to Him but I could not do so because my feet are tied and so I could not jump. He knows I feel like a matchstick whose fire has fizzled even before I could light the candle. But God is good. Through this pain and suffering in being deprived of the chance to enter Arvisu, I know that He continues to be with me, and is also suffering with me in silence as I go through this ordeal.”  

Having read that email again last Friday, it amazed me that apparently, this image of God suffering with me in silence during my darkest hours had been with me way before. This image that I drew much strength from during my retreat in Mirador was apparently not new – it’s just that I’ve forgotten about it over the years!

It appears to me now that I am not too worried about the results of my application because I know deep in my heart that in the event of a heart-breaking non-acceptance, God will be there with me and suffer with me as he had done for me so many times in the past. But beyond suffering with me, I also trust that God’s generosity can never be outdone, and that His plans for me are far richer than any heartbreak that I have ever experienced, and far greater than what I can ever imagine or wish for.

And so my brothers, today I would like to pray for the grace to continue trusting Him wholeheartedly, so that all anxieties and fears that we feel may be dispelled, so that we may be able to make the most of the numbered days we have left here in the candidacy.

Amen.

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